Pillars of Happiness: Letting Go

Each Tuesday, I'm reflecting on how aspects of our lives and society relate to happiness and how we can increase our happiness. This week, I'm looking at the last pillar of my framework Pillars of Happiness - letting go. This pillar ties all the concepts together. I believe that letting go is the magic ingredient of happiness.

Here we are — the final pillar of the Pillars of Happiness framework. While the other pillars are about taking control, this one is about the opposite: letting go or surrendering. Some things are within our control, but most are not. Accepting that, I believe, is the magic ingredient of happiness.

Letting go has already appeared in the previous pillars through decluttering and mindfulness. Both contain strong elements of acceptance. And since everything is connected — and connection in any form is essential to humans — it’s no surprise that my letting-go themes are also connection themes. The first two are about connecting with others, the last two about connecting with ourselves and the universe (or whatever bigger power you believe in). Letting go involves trust — very Oxytocin-activating — and relaxation — very Parasympathetic Nervous System-activating. So maybe it’s not magic after all… just chemistry.

Forgiveness & Messiness of Life

Before forgiveness comes hurt — the feeling that someone did something wrong to us. Let’s say a family member calls you fat. They did something wrong, didn’t they? You’ll never talk to them again. They need to apologise. But even if they do, you’re not planning to forgive them, right?

Right and wrong

Let’s take a step back and look at what I call the messiness of life. One important thing I’ve learned: there is no universal right or wrong. No absolute good or bad. These are beliefs that help us navigate this overwhelming experience of life. They’re shaped by culture and constantly rewritten.

It used to be acceptable to hit your children — in some places it still is. Today, that’s wrong. See? The definition changed.

Personally, I think putting one tomato (or any number, really) into a plastic bag at the supermarket is wrong. We have a global plastic problem! And don’t get me started on takeaway coffee cups — wrong, wrong, wrong! Many agree, but others don’t. So who’s right?

Right and wrong are perceptions tied to our values and beliefs. Even if people share similar ideas, no one has exactly the same set. It helps to let go of the idea that everyone shares your sense of “common sense.”

Forgiveness

So maybe that family member simply has a different sense of right and wrong. It might be worth having a conversation before you load yourself with blame luggage you plan to carry forever. Perhaps say, “That comment felt hurtful.” Maybe they didn’t care — in which case, let go of the connection in peace. But more often, they didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe they were trying (poorly) to express concern, or maybe they were thoughtless because they were struggling with their own issues.

Forgiveness is a mix of empathy and boundaries. Boundaries mean letting others know how you see right and wrong. Empathy means that you understand that others have different boundaries. Letting go of the idea that everyone automatically knows or respects those boundaries — because “it’s just common sense” — will save you a lot of disappointment (and unhappiness).

And while we’re at it, be kinder to yourself. If you’re tossing around guilt, shame, and frustration in your head, check your inner critic. You’re probably expecting too much of yourself. Maybe rest first, then decide on priorities, and work on them with your inner critic instead of against it. Forgive yourself and others for not being “perfect.”

And maybe even forgive life for being messy and imperfect too — because the messiness of life can be great fun if you let it be.

Fun & Play

A few years ago, I couldn’t really have fun anymore. Everything that others found funny felt careless or even offensive to me. I also didn’t play — and since play is part of fun, that was no surprise. I was overwhelmed by all the things I thought I had to do. Everything felt heavy. When I finally let go of some of that load (it took a while), I felt so light that I sometimes literally jumped.

Fun and play should be the norm. Seriousness and heaviness should be the exception we occasionally visit — not the default we live in.

Play

Play is how we learn. Kids use it to explore and understand the world. It’s social — it happens with others — and it tests boundaries in a safe space. You can see it in puppies and cubs wrestling until they push too far, and their mum growls to show the limit.

Adults stop playing because we get busy with “important” things like providing food and protection. But research shows that bringing playfulness into daily life benefits our mental and physical health, strengthens relationships, and boosts creativity. Play keeps our brains flexible and our hearts open.

Let go of overwhelm and seriousness. Embrace playfulness — it activates the rest-and-digest system and makes life lighter. If you don’t know where to start, skip. Literally. Just skip once. It can be as simple as that.

Fun

Play and fun are intertwined. Play sets the stage; fun happens when play, connection, and flow come together. Catherine Price says in her TED Talk that fun is what happens when connection, play, and flow overlap.

Fun is often marked by laughter — the body’s natural way of relaxing. Laughter releases endorphins, increases oxygen intake, calms the nervous system, and loosens tight muscles. It’s almost like exercise — but better (more fun!).

And the more boundaries are tested in play, the more we laugh. Think about it — the naughtier the joke, the bigger the laugh. It’s a physical release. Laughter destresses the body and strengthens bonds.

So, how to get more of it? Make time for activities and people who make you laugh. Let go of the idea that you must be serious all the time because the world has problems. Who knows — if we all laughed more, maybe those problems would shrink. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?