Pillars of Happiness: Connections

Each Tuesday, I'm reflecting on how aspects of our lives and society relate to happiness and how we can increase our happiness. This week, I'm looking at the fifth pillar of my framework Pillars of Happiness - connections. This pillars examines the secret sauce of happiness - research finds that connections and relationships are the strong happiness makers. What is behind that secret sauce?

Here we are, Pillar 5. There’s so much talk about how humans are selfish. I sometimes get raised eyebrows when I say that humans want to support each other. But it’s true. Connecting is a human need — and research backs this up.

Elizabeth Dunn’s study shows we’re happier when we spend money on others, even anonymously (this one shows the same). And Harvard’s decades-long study on happiness is clear: good relationships are essential to both happiness and health. Yes, maybe happy, healthy people connect better. But the other way around is true too — as I’ve found in my own life. When I started to connect, my health and happiness turned around.

So let’s look at why connection is so powerful.

What do you mean by connection?

Connection is simply focusing energy on something. You can connect with yourself, other people, objects, tasks, animals (hello cat and dog owners), beliefs, nature, the universe — anything. If everything is energy, as Einstein suggested, then everything is already connected. By “connecting,” we direct energy and attention to a specific target.

Have you ever thought of someone a lot, only for them to suddenly message you? It feels like energy flowing in a certain direction, doesn’t it?

Connection also means letting your guard down. You’re investing energy into a relationship, and that feels risky if you’re afraid it won’t be reciprocated. That’s why connection can be daunting — but also why it’s so powerful.

And before we go on: it’s essential to connect with yourself first. How can you connect with others if you’re disconnected from yourself? That’s why this is Pillar 5 and not Pillar 1. The earlier pillars — Mind, Dreams & Desire, and Resources — all lay the groundwork for connecting inward through mindfulness, clarity, and self-awareness.

Let’s talk hormones

Two happiness hormones are especially important for connection: Oxytocin and Serotonin (see also Body pillar).

Oxytocin – The Bonding Hormone

Oxytocin lowers stress and anxiety. It’s released when we connect — with people, animals, or even nature. It makes us feel trust and belonging. The strongest Oxytocin release happens around reproduction (sex, birth, breastfeeding) to bond us with our children. But you can also get it from hugging, cuddling, eye contact, caring gestures — even checking in with a text.

Why does this matter? Because humans have most likely survived so long by cooperating. We stick together. Even in conflict — whether war, politics, or community debates — people fight for the benefit of their group. Oxytocin is the glue.

When we lack connection, Cortisol (the stress hormone) rises. That emotional pain feels real in the brain (in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex) and keeps us stuck in fight-or-flight. No wonder heartbreak makes it so hard to study, work, or even sleep.

Our brains are still wired like in the stone age: safety was in the group. Alone meant danger. Together meant protection, food security, and less stress. That’s why we crave belonging — and why compassion and empathy are such strong human traits.

Serotonin – The Confidence Hormone

Loretta Graziano Breuning calls Serotonin the “competition hormone.” In groups, hierarchies matter: who protects the middle when there’s danger, who gets the first sip at the waterhole? Humans, like primates, compare themselves constantly.

Each one-to-one comparison gives a hit of Serotonin to the “winner.” But it’s subjective — two women can both think the other looks better and get none, or both decide they’re “better” in different ways and both get a boost. The trick? Play your own game. Be confident in your unique mix of qualities. That perspective shift can literally change your mood.

Ridiculously, I’ve even been proud of my weaknesses — my bad handwriting, my clumsiness — as if they were strengths. All it takes is owning who and how you are. That way you keep “winning” (and of course the other side can do the same — win-win all over).

Connection types

Let’s focus on our human connections and leave objects, nature, and spiritual connection for the next pillar. For happiness, it helps to distinguish between Love connections and Community connections.

Love

Love connections include family (given) and friends (chosen). Family can be hard — full of duty, obligation, even guilt — but blood bonds run deep, especially between parents and children. Unless toxic or abusive, these bonds are worth nurturing.

Friends, on the other hand, we choose. Philosopher Thomas Aquinas described three types of friendship, but for happiness, the most important are the “useless” ones — friends you connect with not for gain, but for shared interest and joy. Romantic partners often sit here too.

Barbara Fredrickson defines love as a shared positive emotion. That means it’s not just connection, but connection that shares joy, awe, gratitude, interest, or calm. Fighting, nagging, gossiping — those may between us, but they don’t create love. This doesn’t mean you shall not gossip, nag or fight. Just be aware that none of that will create love. Love is made by intentionally creating POSITIVE moments together. Love can heal the fighting wounds, though.

The more of these love moments you share, the stronger the bond or relationship — and the more Oxytocin flows. It is much easier to find what both sides perceive as positive when you truly connect – mindfully, intentionally, with your whole focus. This is why active listening is held up high because if you do listen actively, you connect mindfully and you will know how to create shared positive moments.

Community

Community connections are everyone else you see often but don’t expect deep love from: colleagues, neighbours, shopkeepers, fellow parents at school. These relationships still matter enormously. They create everyday positivity, belonging, and resilience.

Smiling at your barista, chatting with your grocer, or joking with a colleague can create micro-moments of connection that boost happiness. Even when community relationships are harder (say, with neighbours or work conflicts), bringing positive energy into them helps. Connection is energy — send it out, and it flows back.

I used to find this daunting. I worried I’d say or do something wrong. But I’ve learned most people want to connect. With a kind and open attitude, even if you slip up, people usually sense your good intent. (As a North German, I’m often perceived as blunt, but with friendliness behind it, people know I don’t mean to be rude.)

Community connections may feel superficial, but that’s where all deeper bonds begin. They’re a way to test the waters. You can always invest more energy in certain community relationships to grow them into friendships, gradually moving them into the Love category.