Dear Reader,

Last week, I talked to friends who are separated, and one of them is already dating again. When we talked about that, I realised how healthy and equipped with good finances she is. While the separation had emotionally drained her, her life could just continue if she wanted to. I realised how different that was from my situation, and I'm going to write about how my life in ruins also makes me happy.

Health and Finances

My separation came together with my cancer. The shock was too much for our already strained relationship, and my ex and I had to find out how to look after ourselves (and the kids) without caring for a partner. It was simply too much to do it all.

I held onto responsibilities I believed I had, which drove me into exhaustion. The cancer treatments famously do the opposite of rebuilding energy. With two little kids, the lack of community support during COVID (my cancer treatments were in 2021) and a partner who clearly showed that he wouldn't support me, and I had to pull my full weight in parenting, I had not much left in me by the end of that year. My eczema became intolerable, and I was so fatigued. I also struggled with insomnia and was constantly tired. I believe that I was too exhausted to sleep properly.

In other words, my health was down the drain and my financial situation right with it. I had quit my job shortly before the cancer diagnosis to write my PhD. I worked odd casual jobs but mainly used all my savings to maintain our lifestyle and keep the 2-bedroom-apartment for me and the kids. Due to all the fatigue, I couldn't work a regular job. As I said, finances down the drain.

Sledgehammer

I didn't have energy for anything, and I had to somehow regain energy, so I picked up a sledgehammer. My life was in ruins, and I discovered that I had to take down a lot more. My life had overwhelmed me, and I had never been able to really cope with it. I constantly felt stressed, but took on more and more duties because I believed I had to. I felt if I just slotted my time well enough, I could do it all - kids, work, PhD, partner, friends, hobbies. Well, the cancer told me that I couldn't. My subsequent health problems forced me to go slower, get rid of duties, and accept that I'm not a superhuman. So, I used that sledgehammer to demolish the rest of my metaphorical life building.

I smashed many of the expectations I assumed lay on me. Realising that either nobody expected me to do "all these things" or "be a certain way" or, if they did, stop caring, helped me to release a lot of energy. I then went full power against decorative pillars of my life, building such as writing my PhD, which felt so draining and keeping my apartment despite not having the finances. Smash, smash, smash. I crashed that sledgehammer against the PhD pillar and gave up my candidacy. Next, I moved my things into a room in a boarding house, which I actually could afford. At the same time, I let go of aspects of my relationship with my ex, first ending the marriage by filing for divorce, then stopping to work for him and finally giving up our long-time dream of a long trip through Latin America. There was a lot more that came crashing down, including my belief that I could heal my eczema with acupuncture and a healthier lifestyle.

Life in ruins

Other than my friend who could continue her life without her partner, my life at the time of separation was in ruins. There was no question of dating. I had no energy and no interest. I could barely hold up the day-to-day. I simply couldn't continue like before. While no part of my life was wrong or a mistake, my attitude to all these duties was wrong. I assumed that I had to do things, but I didn't check in with myself. Did I need a break? Did I want to continue or pause some of the things I was doing? Were there alternatives? I was in a tunnel vision of "this is how it has to be". The sledgehammer helped me to demolish whatever felt wrong, even though it wasn't wrong per se.

I have declared this year to be my year of healing. After using that sledgehammer intensely, I now feel like standing in a field of rubble. I'm standing in all that rubble, one hand on the sledgehammer, the other one on my hip in a power pose, and I'm grinning. I love this. I love all this rubble around me because I feel like now that it's all broken, I can build something new. Something that fits me, my energy, and my life needs. I can do it without rushing because I don't mind the rubble.

Also, I have invested in my relationships. So, around my rubble are some quite sturdy trees and a few newer ones. I've also created new nourishing routines and habits which I love. Those are greens that are sprouting through my pile of rubble. Further, I'm starting to play with the rubble and pile some of it to explore if it is sturdy, so I can build more. Some piles are falling down, others, smaller ones, are starting to hold. And slowly, I am becoming more daring and experimenting with different perspectives, learning to enjoy that process. While the building before didn't feel like mine, this is now my rubble, and that makes me happy.

Have a happy week!

Anja