Dear Reader,

I love my children. So very much. But they also often drive me mad, costing me a lot of energy. Energy that I need to be more present, patient and healthy (happy) for them and me. I'm at that point where it's time to get to work and do something about that! So, I googled "parenting and anger Ted Talk". Let me share some thoughts.

Listening

The first Ted Talk was held by an Icelandic social worker with five children. His talk was titled "Be there for your children, listen and never shout". I usually stay clear of such talks, I mean, who doesn't shout? Are those parents saints? Or is it aspirational? Today, I decided, however, to listen because my current tactics around frustration make nobody happy, and why not be a bit aspirational?

The speaker, Pall, argues that we should listen more. (I've heard that before.) My interpretation is to listen more and take whatever kids do less personally. He suggests enthusiasm when the teenager has - what he calls - a surge of adolescent hormones, which goes well with slamming doors. In that case, parents should acknowledge the stage their kids are in rather than being insulted, hurt or frustrated.

I'm not sure if it's the colder climate or that he might just have a cooler temper than I, but I'm not sure if I can adopt that behaviour. I got his point, though. Behind kids' behaviour is something else - some frustration or hormonal changes. It's not that they want to go against the parent, but they are stressed and act out... hm, why is that so familiar? Oh, yes, I do the same ;-)

Repairing

Since I'm not sure I can immediately become such a calm and perfect parent, I selected another Ted Talk called "The single most important parenting strategy". While starting the Ted Talk, I was hoping it's not bathing your child in unconditional love or more listening. It wasn't. A clinical psychologist specialist in helping parents become better in parenting described how she cooked dinner while being stressed about her to do list. Then her son comes in, looks at the dinner and says "yuck, chicken again". She's no Icelandic cool social worker and shouts at her child something in between "awful behaviour" and "ungrateful". Yeah, I was now definitely listening!

Her strategy is to repair. I mean, not shouting would be ideal, but what if we can't keep our cool? Her idea of repair is not to blame the child, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but if you could be more grateful..." Well, you know. I might have done that. She suggests taking the blame for shouting and giving the kid back the feeling of safety. If we parents don't repair, the kid thinks something is wrong with them, and we know how that really doesn't make adulthood great. So, acknowledging that we lashed out and it's not the kid's fault restores the feeling of safety. They need to feel safe to learn. So, once safety is restored, we can suggest in a completely separate step that they change their behaviour, like the yuck-chicken-again reaction.

Better parenting?

I did like both strategies, and I'm keeping them in mind when I feel my parenting gliding into shitty territory. What I'm struggling with most is the powerlessness when I need the kids to do (or not to do) something, and I get stressed about it. Like school mornings when Erik just won't get dressed, and I see the clock ticking. I get into this tunnel vision and become desperate.

From many of my previous emails, you might remember that tunnel view isn't really helpful, and it's the broadened view that positive emotions bring about, where happiness is waiting for us. But how do I exit this tunnel vision? Usually, when I feel stressed, I have strategies like taking a walk or meditating. But I can't get away from my kids like that. I can't leave in the middle of school run or bedtime and go for a long walk, breathe and let myself calm down. To really listen, I need energy in the first place. So, when the aspiration to be a cool, composed parent is derailing, the repairing and forgiving myself strategy helps me to get out of tunnel vision as well.

Are you good at listening, or require more of the repair strategy?

Have a happy week!

Anja