Anger

Each Tuesday, I'm reflecting on how aspects of our lives and society relate to happiness and how we can increase our happiness. This week, I'm looking at our defence mechanism, anger. In this newsletter, I am exploring how to reduce anger in important relationships - in my case, with my kids.

I have been taking a good look at anger recently. It's so energy-intensive. When I get angry, I spend a lot of time on it. I decided that I'd rather spend more time on other things. It's not that I can fully let go of anger. I like to think I have already, but then I realise that I really haven't. But I'm working on not getting sucked into the emotion so often. And I find this particularly in my parenting relationship. So, that's what I focus on in this article. I'm pretty sure, though, it also works similarly with partners, family members and all the other people who might make us angry.

Anger as defense

Quick summary of what anger is: It is one of 4 (or 6) human emotions. We have all kinds of emotions, but they are nuances of the main emotions: happiness, sadness, fear and anger (disgust and curiosity). Happiness is typically associated with positive emotions, while sadness, fear, and anger are linked to negative emotions. Negative emotions are again associated with our fight-flight-freeze state, where the body pumps blood away from the brain, resulting in tunnel vision and limited awareness. This helps us to have blood where we need it to run very fast, fight very well or freeze... very well. It also helps us focus on the only thing that is important in that moment - the danger or threat. Anger is our fighting mechanism.

It's a great mechanism and has kept humanity going until now. Pretty nice. But really, it's a bit overused. Years ago, I seriously reduced anger to nuances like frustration and annoyance in many areas (relationships) because I was constantly angry or grumpy, and that really took away from my quality of life. I learnt to either change or embrace whatever triggered that feeling in those areas. Good, hey?

But, of course, we have those relationships in which it is hard to change or embrace. Particularly with kids, it is really hard. They are dependent on us parents, and they also don't have all the brain functions and life experience to understand our, let's call it, guidance. (Interestingly, this sometimes feels similar for partners or other close people in our lives. So, if you are not a parent, this article might still work for you.)

Priority

Over the last months, I've written two articles about parenting and anger (article 1 and article 2). Basically, I was at a loss about how to deal with my anger as a parent and tried to explore it. When I got angry, I felt I was 'right' and the kids were 'wrong'. But unfortunately, I don't subscribe to the concepts 'right' and 'wrong'. It's perspective and the kids felt in the 'right' as well. I knew that. Also, I knew that this wasn't how I wanted to be - between yelling and disappointment. But how to change? How to get out of this fighting defence mechanism against the people I love so incredibly much?

Have a happy week!

Anja