Dear Reader,

My friend had her first baby a few weeks ago. She tells me that the baby cries a lot and that gas is probably the trouble. She's exhausted (although the baby sleeps a lot at night) and worried.

Not our job

What I'm trying to tell her is that it's not our job to make our babies/children happy. NOT OUR JOB. It's actually their job. Of course, here I am talking when I absolutely tried to make my baby happy when little Nima was born. I was very unhappy when she cried because she wasn't happy (and probably she wasn't happy because I wasn't happy - good old vicious cycle).

I mean after all that physical and mental investment and pregnancy and birth, the little being we so wished for is now here. It's soooo precious. Most of the time it feels more valuable than ourselves. And then it's not happy. We parents get into the highest alarm state.

Safety

So, what is our job then? Safety. We parents are supposed to ensure the baby's/children's safety until they can do that on their own. John Medina writes about that in Baby Brain Rules - kids require safety and security to then be able to thrive, develop and learn.

As baby parents, we are supposed to ensure that they have enough food, get fresh nappies, feel warm/cool enough and nothing attacks them. When the baby cries because of bodily functions, it's up to us to ensure they are ok. A gassy tummy might be uncomfortable but it's safe. It's just the body functions developing and the babies getting used to that. Of course, we can never know for sure which is why there are other parents, midwives, health workers and doctors we can ask. The decision is something that needs to be done, however, stays with us parents. And that's so daunting at the beginning.

But from those first daunting weeks, we develop this relationship. When the little 18-month-old later falls and cries, we are already trained to have a look at the wound and decide if an ambulance or a Disney band-aid is required.

What to do

If you have a kid you know what to do. You tell the baby or 18-month-old or even 40-year-old "Oh my dear, I know it's uncomfortable and hurts. And I'm here for you to give you a hug/Disney band-aid/ice pack (they do wonders for 18-month-olds even when held in places that were not injured). But as far as I can see, you will be fine. It's going to heal." And yes, as if that would ever be that easy when you're precious child is in pain.

Happiness

I would like to repeat: we parents are not responsible for our children's happiness! Yes, we can guide them and help them find what makes them happy. But we cannot make them happy. However, little children mirror our moods. So, if we are happy, they most likely are as well. Maybe we can make them happy after all ;-)

Have a happy week!

Anja