Dear Reader,

Some years ago, a friend told me that she wouldn't give advice anymore because that makes people unhappy. She had participated in a course around spirituality and self-improvement. I love giving (usually unsolicited) advice. While I could understand her reasons, I totally disagreed and still do. I think advice is great, and we should give and listen to it way more. But of course there are a few requirements to consider. So, let's get to it!

Why can advice be really good?

It's another perspective. So, particularly when we are stressed about a certain situation, we are in tunnel view mode. That's pretty much what stress (Adrenaline etc.) does - it gets us into fight or flight mode, pumps the blood away from the brain to the extremities so that we can either run or use our arms to defend ourselves. We don't need to perceive the broader situation at that moment. We don't need to do serious thinking and problem-solving. We need to be super focused on the threat. Of course, this was all set up for sabre tooth tigers and their likes. Not for deadlines, parenting issues and relationship difficulties. But it works the same way.

So, when we are telling someone about our difficulties or issues and they offer advice, it'll be good to at least listen. Because the situation usually doesn't stress them. So, they are not in tunnel view. They, kind of, stand on a nice high rock with a good overview. When we are relaxed, our horizon broadens. We see more opportunities. We can wait and observe. No danger - no running or fighting required, so we have blood in our brains to consider solutions. Those people we tell (rant) about our issues are not stressed by our issues (very likely they are stressed by other issues though). So, they have that wider view of the situation.

Additionally, they might have experienced something like that as well. Let's be true to ourselves, most situations aren't that unique. With a bit of transferring experiences, other people were likely in similar situations. While they might not have solved the situation elegantly, they can share how not to do it.

What do we have to consider when giving or taking advice?

But then, some advice is still really bad. So, there are some pre-requisites to consider. Most importantly, the person giving advice shouldn't be stressed by the same issue.

Also, there needs to be some connection between the advice-giver and the advice-recipient. The advice-giver needs to make an effort to listen to the problem and empathise. The advice-recipient needs to have some trust in the connection to open up and at least receive the advice. I'm deliberately not saying 'taking the advice' because often, even good advice is more inspiration that needs to be adapted by the advice-recipient.

Another important aspect that I had to learn is to let go. I was a bit of a missionary and self-righteous, as if I knew what was good for others. It often feels like that because we see the situation (you know, from that nice high rock with a great view). But that doesn't mean that we see the whole situation. We can't. We will never have exactly the same perspective as anybody else. So, once we have offered advice, we need to let go. It's up to the other person to take that advice - or parts of it.

This goes hand-in-hand with not trying to fix everything. You can't, so don't try; it's a waste of energy. You just listen and then either say what you would do or what looks like a great solution. But let go of the idea that you need to fix the situation or the other person. This is particularly hard when you keep hearing the same issue over and over. But you can't fix them. They have to find their solution. Nobody can be fixed. I even think that nobody needs to be fixed. And sometimes, that means that we have to set some boundaries to protect ourselves from being frustrated by other people's problems. At least until we have the energy again to listen and possibly offer advice again. Some advice needs to be repeated to be heard...

I still love offering advice. It's like a puzzle where I get to suggest the next step. It's particularly great when my advice is taken up and even helpful. More importantly, I became a lot more open to listening to advice and not just rejecting every offered solution suggestion immediately.

Do you like to give or receive advice?

Have a happy week!

Anja