Dear Reader, After my newsletter about listening and repairing to improve parenting, I had to think about all these learnings over and over. Also, a few of my readers wrote to me, either liking the newsletter edition or sharing their troubles. Let's reflect a little more on the topic, shall we? Kids and learningKids are all about learning. That's no news. They are born with clean slate brains, which are completely empty and ready to be filled with whatever supports survival. They learn how to use their limbs, how to walk and talk. They soak up knowledge like little sponges by copying and enquiring about the world around them. But it's important to note that they can only do that well when they feel safe. When they don't feel safe, they are busy seeking safety rather than learning new skills. And really, who of my readers can learn when they don't feel safe? I'm certainly super unfocused when I'm stressed about income, health or important relationships, which are shaking my inner safety. No wonder, the little ones are even less able to learn when they are unsure if they are beaten up, fed or otherwise under threat. So, the main job of parents is to provide this feeling of safety. This includes physical safety like feeding, clothing and protecting them, but also emotional safety, which includes trust that this situation will continue and helping them to deal with emotions. If we parents still have energy left, we can guide, teach and mentor our kids, but the main task is safety. Yelling and safetyBoth of the TED Talks from my previous post addressed yelling at kids and how kids feel unsafe when they are yelled at. In combination with the parental task of providing said safety, this sounds very problematic, and I can feel my guilt rising. This is why I had to reflect on this a lot more. Guilt is such a happiness killer. Ideally, parents are not yelling at their kids, yes. But we also established that kids need to learn. Learning sounds always like something good and pure. However, most of the learning they do is not algebra or STEM. It's social skills. Kids are pretty selfish. They need to learn sharing, cooperating and politeness. They have to try things, fall or fail and get up again. They have to learn about appreciation and gratitude. Now, the video about repairing started with the story of the psychologist mum who had a busy day, made dinner and was then told by her son, "yuck, chicken, again". I don't think he needs to be screamed at, but I also think... let's say here is a learning opportunity. If he walked into his friends' or future partner's kitchen and say "yuck, chicken, again" I'm sure the consequences would be worse than being screamed at. Learning opportunityWithout excusing parental aggression, I believe that this all still offers a learning opportunity. Particularly in the first years, it is so important to provide safety in the form of lots of patience and attention to the little ones. But these little ones also need to understand that parents are humans and that other humans don't have that much attention and patience for them. While I believe it is best to stay calm (an aspiration for me) and clearly set boundaries, many of us are not always as collected. Maybe, if I were always calm and collected, my children would be too. If we were all always calm and collected, there would be no cause for aggression altogether. Wouldn't that be lovely? Unfortunately, life is messy and usually not that calm and collected. When I'm exhausted because I'm trying to satisfy my own and my kids' safety needs, plus extra requirements, and then they tell me that's not good enough for them, I lose all that calm collectedness from time to time. And yet, they still get food despite telling me that they won't eat THAT or are unhappy with the amount of their presents. I'd say there is still quite a safety zone, I'm providing. It's just a relative and not an absolute one. Doing the best we can is all we have. But it's also good to have a bit of guilt keeping us in line and aiming for calm and collectedness as much as possible, so that we don't cross the border into domestic violence, where yelling and aggression become the norm. What do you think? Have a happy week! Anja |
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